It's not easy for me to share this because it's deeply personal and something I was planning on keeping private, like I did the first time it happened in 2014. But what happened to my body is extremely common, yet uncommon to talk about publicly.
I changed my mind in sharing this story because if you've been through the same thing or perhaps you're in the process of it, I hope my story gives you some comfort in knowing, I've been there too. I guess writing this was a bit therapeutic too, but in all honesty, I really had to push myself to publish it and even after revising it 30 times I'm still not sure how I feel about sharing this... but here goes :)
Women need to talk about these situations (miscarriage). When we don't, it’s a very lonely place because you feel like you’re the only one feeling these feelings and going through it all.
We also need to talk about it because no matter how far along you are in your pregnancy, it's pretty traumatic, emotionally. I feel like it's hard for people to understand miscarriage unless you've personally had one and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that not enough of us talk about it.
It makes a world of difference when you know just how many women have been through a miscarriage. In fact, 75% of fertilized eggs do not go on to result in a full-term pregnancy and up to 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester. Not to be a downer here, but that's just the reality.
Walker and I were not actually "planning" to have a second child as you might know if you’ve asked me about it. We've always been happy about having one child (our sweet Vienna), but that of course does not lessen the blow when things go sideways.
Completely to our surprise, in late winter/early spring it happened. I was in disbelief so much so that when my period was a week late I took a pregnancy test just to confirm I wasn’t pregnant and then decide on my next course of action assuming I would need to do something to balance my hormones because my period was late.
Well, it was positive for pregnancy and I nearly fainted in shock. That shocked then turned into, oh f*$#, what are we gonna do! Not long after, that panic tuned into "we got this". I was feeling more and more excited and exhausted with each passing day. Walker was in full planning mode for our future, as he usually is. He was in let's "figure this shit out" mode, looking up homes on MLS with more than two bedrooms, checking our finances -- you know, the stuff you gotta figure out when you haven't already got it all figured out because you hadn't planned for it.
My story may not be the typical miscarriage story because I had what’s called a “missed miscarriage”. Meaning, the fetus failed to develop at a certain point and then I had to wait for my body to miscarry. It didn't happen all at once. This feeling is not new to me. This is my second miscarriage. I had one very early on before Vienna was born. However, that miscarriage was different because it happened super quick and even though we were "trying" it just somehow felt less painful (emotionally).
I had an early ultrasound at 8+ weeks and was told I must have my date wrong because there was no heartbeat or it's just too faint to pick up. My period is pretty regular so I knew my date was bang-on. I was 8+ weeks. I felt kinda defeated, I felt like something was wrong but I focused on staying positive knowing that for the past 8 weeks I had zero symptoms to indicate anything was wrong. It is also extremely common not to find a heartbeat in the early weeks. I waited 2 weeks before having another ultrasound, at 10 weeks.
As I lay on the table waiting for my 10-week ultrasound results, my heart was pounding and I was thinking “please oh please, let her be okay”. I was trying so hard to read every expression on the ultrasound technician’s face, hoping she’d turn to me and say “do you want to see your baby’s heart beat?” She didn’t say that. She told me that she’d have to talk to the radiologist about what she’s seeing. She was gone for about 15 minutes (although it felt like an eternity) and when she returned she told me that my midwife would get in touch with me.
She gave me a very motherly warm pat on the back as I was leaving and I felt this deep well of sadness come over my body. I knew.
My midwife called me later on to let me know that I had a “missed miscarriage” and I had a couple of options. I could continue to wait it out and let my body miscarry naturally, that was option one. Option two was that I could go to the hospital to get a medication to hurry up the process to thin my cervix (potentially making the process more painful) or three, have a D and C (a surgical procedure at the hospital), which she was not recommending.
I chose option one. I decided that I would wait and let my body do what it needed to do. I had started having a teeny bit of brown discharge two days before my 10 week ultrasound so I figured the process was starting.
Those days waiting for it to happen were quite emotional and exhausting. They also felt lonely despite knowing I had people I could talk to. I just kept myself really busy and it was a busy time so that wasn't hard to do.
I felt a mixed bag of emotions. The biggest emotion I felt was a sense of emptiness and well, deadness. I felt like my body was an empty vessel in the spiritual sense but I still felt the weight and the heaviness of what was still in my body.
I felt guilty and frustrated and well to be frank, kinda pissed off wondering why this happened to me.
Was it the 24 hour fever I had when I came back from work travel in BC, was it the intense schedule I’ve had the passed few months, was it the fact I wasn’t taking a prenatal vitamin because I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant? The "what ifs" could go on forever and you know what? They are useless. They just made me feel guilty and ashamed my body was not capable of carrying a child.
At around 11 weeks, after a full day exhibiting at a show selling our joyous natural body care products, I came home, sat on the couch and within twenty minutes felt like I'd passed a massive glob of something. I went to the washroom, very carefully pulled down my pants and literally saw a fetus there. It had eyes and a head and a spinal cord. I looked at it in disbelief and I sobbed. I felt like I literally just birthed a very small, little beautiful human. I couldn’t flush it down the toilet. That just felt so wrong.
We wrapped it up and buried it in the forest the next day with a heart necklace I had with "mama" engraved on it.
Even though it was very devastating at the time I saw her, I felt a sense of peace seeing the amniotic sac and fetus with my own eyes. My miscarriage was not painful (not any more uncomfortable than a period), it was peaceful. It was goodbye. The soul of that human had left my body before it came out in the physical form.
The placenta came out and a lot of other “stuff”. I will save you the details.
We never told Vienna I was pregnant because I wanted to wait three months, I was almost there, but not quite. However, when I was 3 weeks pregnant, before I even knew I was pregnant, Vienna kept saying to me that she had a baby sister and would point at my belly. We thought it was funny and assumed one of the parents at her daycare must be pregnant. And one of her teachers even told me Vienna was telling other kids she had a baby sister. Just goes to show you how intuitive children are, we need to give them more credit, don't we?!
The crazy thing about this whole scenario is that those 11 weeks that was pregnant felt like a time warp. When I was in the thick of it, it felt like every minute ticked by at a snail's pace. Even looking back, it feels like it was much longer than two months. It's weird how time is relative to your situation.
I don't want 2018 to be defined by this for me and the emotions that came along with it so I'm doing my very best to just let the feelings come. I don't fight them. If I feel like crying, I cry. If I need to talk, we (Walker and I) talk. But I'm not letting the feelings linger with me, if that makes sense. It's been quite a few months since it all happened and I'm in a good place about it.
I've moved on now because there's no sense for me to dwell on things I cannot change. The feelings of guilt were more regular the weeks following, wondering what did I do wrong? I always research everything to a point of exhaustion and I really don't have answers on this. When I do feel sad, I simply remind myself...
I have so much to be grateful for. I have everything I want and need.
And as cliche as it is, life goes on :)
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you to my family, close friends, and last but most of all thank you to rock, my hubs, Walker, for all your love and support, always.
If you're going through something similar, I'm sending you a big, warm, joyous virtual hug. Do you feel it?
And if you've never been through something like this, I hope it never happens to you. If I may give one piece of advice, please don't ask well meaning questions to other women like "when are you having a child" or "when are you having your second or third child". You don't know what other women are going through and it can just pour salt on an open wound.
Please do share your experience below, it will help other women going through the same thing.
Joy
I am so saddened you had to go through this. I know that your story will resonate with so many people. Thank you for sharing with us.
ReplyThank you :)
This post could not come at a more needed time as I am going through a missed miscarriage. The physical part is dragging on, unresolved and I am needing that to be over before I can further progress the emotional part. Hugs to you as well, thanks. This is so so hard.
ReplyThanks for sharing Anna. Sending you a hug. It will get easier. :)
Prayers for continued healing . I have not personally experienced miscarriage , but I feel so much empathy for anyone who has . This was beautifully written and I’m sure will touch everyone’s heart .
ReplyThank you for sharing that Courtney :)
This brought tears to my eyes. It was last February.... we had been trying for our second baby...and we were ecstatic when we saw the positive sign. At 11 weeks I bled in the night... my first was cuddling me.he was just over a year...I.knew.something was wrong but didnt want to wake my little guy... thought there is nothing that can be done at this moment...so.I let my first sleep a little more... When he woke I told my husband we needed to go to the hospital... I was desperately trying not to think about it...as by a miracle... there was still a heart beat.. The Dr. Informed me about the bleeding and the why it happened...there was a large clot and I.should be followed weekly and off work (I'm an NICU nurse) There was another bleeding episode(unfortunately while I was in class at CSNN). Still a heartbeat and growing babe... Had 1 more ultrasound on Friday....heartbeat... i walked to the park with my little guy....that night had severe cramps...passed a lot of clots...and finally the fetus...I yelled to my Husband in shock...(this was the middle of the night) we didn't know what to do...shock...disbelief...denial....we wrapped her up (always believed it was a girl) and with a note and some babies breath..buried her under a tree in our new yard (we had just moved into a new house). For months following there was a lot of guilt...did I make her environment to hostile...school...full-time shift work...toddler...moving...stress...was it my fault?? Took me a long time to accept it wasnt...I actually did an energy healing where I was able to see her and say goodbye...it helped tremendously. We have a 3 month old beautiful healthy boy...and our little angle taught me a lot of lessons... to slow down (I went part-time) to forgive(myself)...how much more I could love and to be thankful for every day and breath we have here... "I carried you every second of your life, and I will love you for every second of mine" Sending so much love to families and their angels above ❤❤❤
ReplyThank you for sharing your story Kristen. Sending you a virtual hug
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry for what happened to you but you’re so strong and full of love. I was told I wouldn’t be able to have a child and my girl is 17 months. Now that we’re planning to have the second I’m so afraid of miscarriage, as I was with my first baby. As you said, people shouldn’t ask about your pregnancy plans. They don’t know what you’re going through. Once you’re a mom, you’re more sensitive about having another human inside of you. It’s more realistic than before. Thanks again and a big hug to you and your family.
ReplyThank you for sharing your story Nilu! You're so right. It's so much more real to know what it feels like when you've had a child. :)
All the feels❤️Bless you for sharing such a personal story.
ReplyThank you for taking the time to read it
I’m sorry for your losses, Joy (and Walker!).
ReplyThank you :)
I’m so sorry to hear what you went through and I completely understand. I had a miscarriage back in 2012 before going on and having my first daughter in 2014 and then was also blessed with a 2nd daughter back in 2016. Reading your story brought back a flood of memories and made me cry. I didn’t get any medical advice/support before it all happened. I had ended up in the ER because it was right before Christmas so my doctor was out. The doc in the ER confirmed it was a miscarriage but didn’t bother telling me what may occur next. Later that night I basically went into labour, not knowing, but figured the severe pay must be contractions (or something like it). I ended up passing something and as embarrassed I am to say, i flushed the toilet - but only because I had no idea what I was flushing! I know it sounds stupid that I didn’t realize what it was, but again, no one gave me any info as to what would happen so I had no clue. After that I was still in a lot of pain and bleeding so I ended up calling telehealth and they told me I most likely passed the fetus and to rush back to the hospital so I don’t bleed out. At that point, my heart stopped realizing what I had done. For the longest time after this I had nightmares of flushing my baby down the toilet. I felt like a horrible mother. And to this day I still think about how stupid that was and blame myself for not realizing what was happening. I always try to remind myself that I’m not a doctor and shouldn’t expect to know how the body works and someone should have told me. But it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. Losing a child...well, I can’t even find the words to express how it feels, but I know several people who have been through the same and I find talking about it helps. Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story!
ReplyThanks for sharing your story. Sorry to hear you went through that Eva, especially around the holidays. Sending you a hug :)
You hit it bang on, the waiting days are so hard. Knowing it's coming but not knowing when. My partner and I lost twins in 2015, initially one had a weak heartbeat and the other had none. We remained hopefully but unfortunately lost both. I chose to wait and let me body pass them naturally but after a month plus of no action and the pain of waiting (the grief, loneliness, the knowing they were gone) my OB preformed a D and C to prevent health consequences. I was terribly lonely and grieving that my body wouldn't just let go even though I had amazing support from my partner. But I felt I could slowly come to terms. Unfortunately a week later I started cramping and heavy bleeding and had to go for another D and C for retained products. It was a terrible, terrible season in our lives. I remember people saying "It's okay, you're young, you can keep trying" or "you'll forget about it when you have one" both of which stung and hurt. I will say, we now have a wonderful, beautiful little girl that has brought so much joy to us but we have no forgotten our twins and never will. Every year on their due date I cry and think often of them. Not because I feel depressed anymore but because no matter how brief I carried them they were still a part of our lives and always will be. I thank the Lord for giving me my daughter and for giving my a strong and loving partner. Miscarriage is common but so hard on the heart. Thank you for your courage in sharing and I'm glad you have found peace in it all.
ReplySo sorry for your losses Em. Thank you for sharing with everyone :) Hugs
Thank you for sharing, Joy. I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to create dialogue about a very potentially isolating topic. Our first pregnancy was very much the same story and I felt I had no one to talk to. I'm very open about it now in hopes others going through it can feel less alone. In the present, I am grateful for our two daughters, but am always curious what that first little life would have added to the mix. Sending you love and healing.
ReplyThank you :)
I was never able to share my miscarriages (2) as you have be able to do. I was told, it’s for the best, you’re too young, when are you coming back to work etc. I just wanted space to grieve and friends and family to comfort me instead of make my pain feel insignificant. Bless you for sharing.
ReplyThank you for sharing Lisa :)
Oh my gosh. I went through the very same thing. Same aged fetus and passed the fetus at home. I feel strongly that there should be more support for women in this situation especially when you speak of burying the fetus in the forest. I'd rather not talk about what happened to mine as it still bothers me after 18 years. I'm sure so many other woman face this and remain silent. Thank you for sharing and I send healing vibes for you and your family.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear it's still bothering you, but I guess it just never leaves you. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am 51 and have two amazing kids 20 and 23. I had a miscarriage before each of my pregnancy’s with my kids. The first was 11 weeks and the second was 12 weeks both times I had a D
ReplyThank you for sharing :)
Thank you for bravely sharing your story Joy. Reading it brought back so many sad memories for me, but a smile at the same time as I reflect upon my two angels that I hope to one day meet in some other universe or life! Keep talking about it... it's what helped me the most.
ReplySorry to hear that Kim. Sending you a hug :)
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m positive it will help many who have or are experiencing a miscarriage as well as help others be more aware and sympathetic to the trauma and grief of others. Your suggestion to “not ask” about another’s offspring status is excellent. I wish you and your family well.
ReplyThanks Laura :)
Sending you a big hug, Joy. After trying for over 10 years and never once seeing a positive pregnancy test, my husband and I have stopped our infertility journey. I've accepted that the universe has said a firm "no" and have found peace with what isn't meant to be. I wish peace for you as well.
ReplyThank you for sharing your story Elizabeth, you're a brave woman. Take care:)
I'm in tears reading this and the comments. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment. I'm sending you and everyone who reads this a ton of hugs❤❤❤
ReplyThank you for the hugs
Thank you for sharing your experience. I too find it therapeutic to talk about. My husband and I are blessed with two healthy children but we certainly worked hard for those children. We have experienced 5 miscarriages with the most recent being this past February. We have been back and forth to fertility clinics and have tried numerous things to help my body carry a baby. After my last miscarriage and a failed attempt at my body passing it, I was sent for a D
ReplyThank you for sharing your story too Melissa. Sending you a hug
8 years of infertility with all the tricks in the book, 1 successful round of IVF with baby girl #1, surprise baby girl #2 naturally (5 short months later) and baby number #3 was a missed miscarriage. D and C followed. The if and when worried me. We are all on journey at every point in our life. It starts with the generations before us and will continue with the generations that follow. Connection through sharing and listening. For some that ability to share will be the Day it happens and for others when the time is right. And the time may never be Right. Thank you for sharing!! I am happy to have found/discover/follow you. You are genuine, insightful, inspirational, and charming. You are JOYous!
ReplyThank you for sharing Lisa. You've definitely been through a lot. Hugs.
Thank you so much for sharing that sad experience with us. I have been lucky enough to have not gone through it myself but there's nothing more sad than experiencing life in your body and then witnessing the loss in life. When "you" are ready, the universe will let you know.
ReplyVery true, thank you :)
Thinking of you, Joy, Walker and Vienna! Sending you lots of love, as I have also experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage. Thank you for sharing your story!!
ReplyThank you :)
Thank you so much for sharing ! It is so common and it’s wondwrful people are talking about it more. I’m really sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I did a blog Post recently on my journey thus far. 2 losses and due in December with a double rainbow baby 👶🏼 here’s the link to the post if anyone wants to read - http://www.andreagnys.com/2018/06/3706/
ReplyThank you for posting, I will check yours out :)
This is comforting and sad to read. I just experienced a miscarriage this past weekend and am currently going through the whole process. Every time I go to the bathroom I get a reminder that I've lost it. I think that's the worst part. If it wasn't for my sweet baby girl I have now I don't know where I would be. I never thought this would happen to me and yet it did. Like I said on your Instagram, it is so very comforting knowing I'm not alone - although I would never wish this on anyone, I really appreciate you sharing. I'm still in shock And I often think was it something I did? My mind just won't shut off. I think that's common but it doesn't make it easier. Again, Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear this Lindsey. It's heartbreaking. It will get easier, as with any grief it always does but for now, just sending you a giant hug.
I too had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. It was my first pregnancy so naturally I was scared and upset wondering if I would ever get pregnant. My Dr gave me some words of wisdom that helped me greatly. He said “the creation of a child in our wombs is such an incredible and complex process, everything has to happen at the right time and place. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s an absolute miracle when all that comes together. And when it doesn’t work out perfectly, our bodies naturally know what to do. Trust it and try again when you’re ready”. His words helped a lot and I went on to have a beautiful baby boy and then 2 yrs later twin girls. More often than not, our bodies work marvellously, but sometimes nature misses the mark and knows when survival would be impossible. Big hugs to all those going through situations like this. Xo
ReplyThank you for sharing. Your doc is wise :)
💕💕💕💕 Thank you for sharing, I have a similar story, happened last November, but I have to accept that I’m not 100% over it. And you’re so right, we should talk about it more, and I do, and a lot of people think it’s not ok that I do, but I think it’s right, and I guess I’m still looking for someone’s advice that would “fix” it all make all of those feelings that pop just go away. Reading your story literally brought tears to my eyes and I’m so grateful that you shared thw story, I’m so sorry you went through that Xo
ReplyHi Mariana, thanks for sharing your story. Sending you a hug :)
I never knew missed miscarriages existed until i read your story... I can, however, relate to miscarriage as i experienced one christmas eve 2016. We were half hazardly trying for a second... when my period was late and i tested positive i was surprised, not only for being pregnant, but also just not feeling pregnant. 10 weeks in, Christmas eve morning i started spotting... by lunch it was full on blood and that night i was wrapping presents for my 18month old girl while crying. Christmas morning i felt empty And exhausted. I didnt go to the hospital until boxing day, i knew it was gone and also knew there was nothing they could do for me... the ultrasound at the hospital confirmed an absence of a fetus and told me to make a followup appt with my doc. It was the most difficult Christmas i have ever experienced.. i had such success with my first born that i jumped the gun and announced our pregnancy (and engagement) at a family gathering we were hosting at our house the night before. It was crazy, but all I could think about was how lucky we were to experience christmas with our other girl. A month and a half later, shortly after my 34th birthday i realized i havent had a period since my miscarriage so i decided to take a pregnancy test just incase... Low and behold it was positive and now we have another beautiful daughter who is turning 1 next month. So sorry you had to go througb that, and how emotionally draining it must’ve been... but being graced with such beauty as Vienna, you have happiness waiting for you every minute of everyday. *hugs* Ashley
ReplyThank you for sharing your story Ashley :)
I just want to send love your way. I've had two miscarriages myself. One was a d and c because they felt I would be very ill without resolving it themselves. And the other happened just the way you experienced. I know exactly what it's like to look down and see what you saw and all the emotions that come with it. Very surreal experience. Mine was 18 years ago so I can say yes life does move on in the way it was designed to. It has a magical way of moving on so quickly that you're able to keep going and moving forward. Much love to you and your beautiful family.
ReplyThank you for sharing Michelle.
❤️❤️❤️
ReplyThank you for sharing. I had a blighted ovum miscarriage last December '17 and waited for it to happen naturally. When it didn't, i induced it at 12w with medication. I didnt get another real period until March and luckily conceived right away without trying. I am now 23w and am overjoyed but still, at times, feel grief for my first baby. It is still hard to talk about but i do wish it wasnt such a taboo subject. Life does go on. I even interviewed for a promotion while waiting to miscarry. It was the hardest 3 months of my life. We named it and i wear its June birthstone on a necklace every day.
ReplyThank you for sharing Katie. Congratulations on your pregnancy, that's wonderful news :) And that's super sweet you have the memory of it always with you.
I had the same thing in 2000 and still think about it every March. The hurt goes but the memory stays. I wish you and your family well. Thanks for sharing.
ReplySorry to hear about your loss. It never leaves you
You are so strong for sharing your story. Thank you so much. I teared while reading the entire thing. Although we, as a society, hear about miscarriages, we actually have little or no understanding about the emotional and distressing (physically and psychologically) side to it. You’re a brave woman, and I wish you, Walker and Vienna all the love in the world 💕
ReplyThank you so much Sat
Gosh!!! So sorry Joy, Walker
ReplyThanks Joanne, hugs :)
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and moving experience with miscarriage. I admire your bravery and honesty. Best wishes to you and your lovely family.
ReplyThanks Tanis :)
Thanks for sharing this Joy. I’m not yet a mother but will keep your advice in mind. You are very brave for sharing this, thanks for opening up the dialogue.
ReplyThanks Tess :)
Thank you for sharing, Joy ❤️🙏🏼. I hope it helps you and anyone else who needs to hear this so that they don’t feel alone. I cried when I read this. Much love to you and Walker.
ReplyThank you Kari :)
Joy, I’m so sorry that you have had to experience this loss. I cannot imagine it has been easy. You are such a brave, vibrant and inspiring individual. It takes a lot of courage to share your story with those surrounding you let alone with those who follow you. Thank you for your honesty, your words of advice and for being brave enough to post this. Take care and I wish you all the best.
ReplyThanks Nicole XO
Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing this Joy. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for some time now. First, an ectopic pregnancy, then failed fertility treatments. It has at times felt very isolating and shaming. Women like you who've shared their own stories have made a huge difference to me. I am so grateful for you.
ReplyThank you for sharing your story. It's not easy. :)
This brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you have gone through this. I do thank you for your bravey; sharing your story, touching many lives, and encouring more to share. And especially reminding thoses to refrain from asking other women about having their first, or even their “next” child, because its true, you dont know what each woman struggles with. Thank you again.
ReplyThank you :)
Thanks for sharing Joy. I went through a similar situation. No one can believe it but my 3 year old kept asking, “whose going to come out of your belly this time?” Like you, we never told him and were waiting until three months to share the news. Unfortunately we never were able to. Even to this day he still asks when his sister is coming. It is unreal how intuitive children are! Looking back, it’s amazing what you can learn in a very difficult situation.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear that, that's really tough. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing your very personal story. Like so many other women, I have been there too, more than once. It is unlike any other heart ache. It never goes away completely, but I guess we are able to carry on by focusing on blessings that we do have. It did teach me not to assume I know what is going on in someone's life. Everyone has a story.
ReplyIt's so true, everyone really does have a story and the heartache never goes away completely. But you do move on :) Thanks for sharing.
This made me cry...I’m so sorry. Your writing is beautiful and courageous...thank you for being brave as you will comfort so many going through it.
ReplyThanks Angela, appreciate it
I’m so sorry for your loss, Joy and Walker! That must be very painful and heartbreaking. Thank you for your openness and willingness to share your experience with others. We can all learn from and support each other. Sending you much love and prayers. 💕
ReplyThank you!
Wow ! Joyce ! Thank you so much for sharing this . My sister went through two miscarriages as well . It would break my heart each time I see her cry . In fact drs had told her she could never have one because she didn’t have enough eggs . However a miracle happened and God gave a beautiful baby boy who just turned one .. thank you again.. I truly admire you !!
ReplyHappy to hear your sister was able to have a baby :)
I am so very sorry, Joy, for you loss and for what you and Walker are going through. Although I have not experienced miscarriage, I know that your words will resonate with many others and provide comfort. You continue to be such an authentic, vulnerable, and thoughtful role model for so many. Sending love and healing.
ReplyThanks so much for your kind words Mary :)
so sorry for your sadness 🤗 I have one healthy beautiful daughter who will be 23 years old next spring! She was my one successful pregnancy. And yes, life went on as it does....and I accepted that she was my only one that was meant to be, and she has always been enough 💞 Wishing you and your family much love and healing. Thanks for sharing
ReplyThank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing Joy. I am in tears for a few reasons. 1) I’m not alone, 2) I’m saddened by your story yet happy you shared it and 3), the emotions, my hormones and my body have not yet fully recovered from the loss. I chose D
ReplyThank you
Wow, so raw. So honest. Thank you for sharing. I don’t know why we women keep such stories to ourselves. Perhaps we feel ashamed that our bodies didn’t do what it’s “meant to do”. I went through a miscarriage a few years back, after years of trying and it was devastating. I remember when I saw that first drop of blood and just wishing that it was anything but THAT. I held on even though I knew I was losing this baby. Then I miscarried and devastation set in. I eventually dealt with my feelings around it but it’s something I won’t ever forget and would never wish upon any other woman. Fast forward to today and I have a beautiful 14 month old son whom I love to the moon and back.
ReplyCongratulations on your baby! Thank you for sharing :)
Thank you for sharing Joy. My heart aches for you and your family. How interesting Vienna knew! Lots of love to you!
ReplyThank you
Thank you for sharing Joy. Big hugs. Xo
Reply:)
Thank you for sharing your story and spreading the awareness of miscarriages and fertility issues. I worked in a fertility clinic for some time and it is shocking how little it is discussed, recognized and understood. As painful as it is, you are helping so many women by sharing your story. May you feel heal, may you find peace and may her memory be with you always. X0
ReplyThank you :)
I just had a miscarriage on July 29th. At 3am. 6 hours after telling my boyfriend's kids- they were so happy they cried. 12 hours after telling my best friends, who also cried. We went to the Emergency Room and I knew before they told me. It's only been just over 2 weeks. Knowing that my health and wellness hero isnt even exempt from this kind of loss makes it a lot easier for me to be gentle on myself and stop with the What-Ifs.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear this, I'm sure it's still very raw. Sending you a hug :)
I love your comment that you never knew what a woman has been through. Even though I am pregnant with my third child and know I am lucky, I’ve had heartbreaks and multiple miscarriages between children and people assume things like that my journey has been easy. I’m trying to talk about it more too because I think we need to do that.
ReplyAgreed, it's so good to have these discussions. Thank you.
Joy, I am very very sorry you went through that... It might sounds harsh, but things always happen for the best and I am so so happy that you have such a sweet husband and loved ones to help you ho through that! I personally, have struggled with infertility for a little over 4 years. It has been extremely hard for me emotionally more than I can ever explain... Not only because all we had to go through, but also because of the emotional pressure from everyone around us... Unfortunately, I couldn’t share this with anyone and if it wasn’t for my dear husband’s support I don’t know where I would be today... However, I so happy to let you know that with God’s help and the doctors of course, we had a successful IVF!!! I feel that our society needs to be more empathetic and never ever ask questions such as: “why don’t you have kids?” “Can you have kids?” “Aren’t you trying?” “You know, if don’t give kids to your husband then you guys are not a family...” You never know the struggles someone might have...
ReplyI'm so thrilled to hear you had a successful IVF, that's awesome news! Thanks for your comment. People ask those questions from a place of ignorance because they just don't know or think about what other's situations might be. I really think they are well-meaning, but unfortunately the person on the receiving end doesn't necessarily feel that way. The more we talk about our struggles, the more aware society becomes how common miscarriages and infertility are.
Thank you for sharing your story Joy. I just went through a miscarriage myself a few weeks ago. At 9 weeks, Baby was measuring 6 weeks and had no heartbeat :( It’s so tough since we have been trying for a while, and I thought I was doing all the right things to plan for this (eating well, exercising, taking supplements to increase fertility, etc.) and it still resulted in a miscarriage. I am hopeful for the future but also scared that this will happen again :( Thank you though for opening this conversation up so I can read stories from all the wonderful women here!
ReplyI'm sorry to hear this. One of the things I remember before I got pregnant with Vienna that my midwife told me when I had my first miscarriage, was how common it is for your first pregnancy to have a miscarriage and many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after a miscarriage. My hope is that is the case for you Jenny. Take care
I’m so sorry. I’ve had multiple missed miscarriages. Always the same. Faint heartbeat at 6 weeks. Two week wait. Fainter heartbeat at 8 weeks. Two week wait only to be told by the technician that I have to go to my doctor or hospital to discuss the results. It’s such a stressful time and I have learned not to get too attached or optimist because it’s likely not going to work out - yet still hope that it will be different each time. My fave comments: “well, at least you’ve got one.”, “you must look at our crazy family of 6 and be so glad you stopped at one”
ReplyUgh, those comments ARE THE WORST. I'm so sorry to hear you've experienced that. I wish people were more sensitive with their words. Hugs.
I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m sure it will help you in your journey to heal and help someone going through a similar experience. Wishing you and your family much love.
ReplyThank you :)
Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriages are so hard and the loss is great. Its wonderful that you have the love and support of Walker and Vienna to help you keep moving forward and to heal emotionally from your experience. ❤️
ReplyAgree, I feel very lucky for their love. Thank you :)
Thank you so much for sharing! I too miscarried our third child (also a missed miscarriage) last December. With all the sadness that comes with this experience - for me there was also good coming out of it. Before I fell pregnant our life was so busy. We did not take good care of ourselves we were trapped in a hamster wheel without realising it. This miscarriage forced us to slow down and rest. To spend time as a family and prioritise. Sending lots of love Anna
ReplyThat's such an amazingly positive outcome. Thanks for sharing :)
I'm so very sorry Joy for the heartbreaking loss you and Walker have suffered. Your story is deeply personal and emotional so thank you for bravely sharing. Reading all the stories from everyone, it's clear that this is a subject that does need to be talked about when it sadly happens, and not just bottled up. I've not had a miscarriage, but rather a termination of a much wanted pregnancy in the wake of a cancer diagnosis. The pregnancy was in very early stages and would not have survived initial cancer treatment, and most likely I would not have either. Time is a healer, as is having love and support. Love to you and your beautiful family xx
ReplyThat's tough. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. I do hope you've healed now. Sending you joyous vibes :)
Thank you for sharing. It’s an awful thing. I had my own miscarriage between my two children. No matter when and what or how, it hurts and often people can’t express themselves because they ‘need’ to wait until 3 months. It’s part of life and I agree that we need to be more open. It helps the healing!
ReplySorry to hear that and thank you for sharing :)
Beautifully told. You have helped and will help many women with this story. 💗💗💗
ReplyThanks Sonia XO
I feel you ! Miscarriage is such a taboo topic and it needs to be talked about more , and once you start talking about it you realize how many other woman have gone through this. It feels like a lot more than 1 in 4 to me when I started talking about mine. I have had 4 in total, 3 of them being missed miscarriages all in the second trimester. It never gets any easier, each miscarriage is different in their own way. Thank you for sharing !
ReplyThat's so true, each miscarriage is so different. Thank you for sharing :)
I am so so sorry. I have also had 2 miscarriages. My first pregnancy was an etopic and my tube ruptured and I had emergency surgery. I was traumatized and didn’t try for 6 more years to get pregnant. Then when we finally got pregnant again I had the same thing you had which was a missed miscarriage. But shortly after I finally had my baby girl. So blessings do happen and she was so worth the wait. Thank you so much for sharing your story as I know it’s difficult to discuss BUT it is so important to share your story. My first miscarriage I didn’t want to talk about it. It lead me to being unhealthy, gaining 30lbs and a complete depression. I felt so Isolated and alone. So knowing someone as inspiring as you are sharing your story and struggles helps to spread the misconception that maybe some people Can’t have kids or struggle to (when you get asked a thousand times when are you having kids as a married couple). Again I am truly sorry for your loss and it was touching that you shared your story with us. Wishing you all the very best with a life of love, joy and happiness and much success.
ReplyHi Renee, wow, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. You are a brave woman. Hugs.
So sorry to hear this Joy! I'm so glad that you have a great support team! Sending you love and positive vibes 💗
ReplyThank you for sharing and I am sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to me this spring and it's true not enough of us are talking about it yet it happens more than we realize. Thank you for being brave and honest.
ReplySweet Joy - so sorry you went through this. So touched you decided to share....((hugs)) I am overwhelmed with emotion. I too miscarried but back in 1984. First pregnancy and at 16 weeks started spotting. Went to Dr and saw an associate who requisitioned an ultrasound...results confirmed the egg was damaged and wasn't dividing properly. I was scheduled for a D
ReplyThank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry for your loss. I had 2 miscarriages in my younger years, one at 10 wks and one at 18 wks. I agree that it’s one of those things you don’t understand unless it happens to you. People need to be careful what they say, as well meaning phrases like, “You’re so young, you’ll get pregnant again”, are not helpful, unless they have a crystal ball. The best thing to do is just be there for them and tell them how sorry you are for their loss. I read a novel about the Amish and when the woman was asked how she got over losing many babies through miscarriages she said, “You don’t get over it, you get through it.” I feel that is very true. I have 4 grown children and I am so grateful, however, I believe that losing a child through miscarriage is a true loss and you will grieve them off and on your whole life, although things get easier over time. For myself, when I was grieving another loss, those feelings of loss over the miscarriages came to the surface again. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Take care of yourself. Peggy
ReplyI like that, you don't get over it, you get through it. Thank you for sharing your story Peggy. Some wise advice
This is very hard to read - it makes my heart ache for you and also brings me back to the 4 darkest moments of my life when I went through what you’ve had the misfortune of enduring. Experiencing a missed miscarriage was the greatest pain I’d ever known. I kept it from most of my friends who seemed to have “easy as pie” experiences with conception and pregnancy. Being silent didn’t do me much good and I hope you feel some therapeutic benefit from sharing your story. You’ve helped so many women by being so brave. The grief felt over a miscarriage will never be forgotten but mine has taken a backseat to the joy I now have from my 3 kiddos.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear about your pain. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for reading mine :)
Thank you Joy ... for the share of heartbreak .. know that you are not alone 💕
ReplyI can completely relate to this! I just experienced my first miscarriage in June. I have felt totally alone on this journey. And so torn on whether to share it or keep it to myself. It has been an emotional roller coaster, and the guilt you feel following it is so exhausting! I so hope we as women can learn to start being more open about all of these things. The good, the bad, the ugly. When we need support the most we tend to stay quiet, but the opposite is necessary! Hugs to all you mamas who have been through this too! xoxox
ReplySorry to hear this and thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing your story, Joy. ❤️ It’s so helpful to others to know that they are not alone.
ReplyYou are so brave for sharing your story. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It took me months before I could tell people about my ectopic pregnancy and even more months before I could talk about it without crying. It took weeks of urine dips, blood tests, and ultrasounds to figure out why my hormones were increasing but they couldn’t find any sign of a baby on the ultrasound. Well meaning stranger’s comments and questions felt like assaults that made me bite my lip and sent me running off to cry. When the ectopic was finally confirmed, I mourned the loss of my child and also the dream of having kids close together in age. I hated that I had to end the pregnancy even though it wasn’t viable and would be a serious threat to my life. I sobbed as they injected the medicine and my husband held me and let me cry. I felt angry, sad, and alone. I had to return for blood work to the maternity ward of a hospital surrounded by pregnant women to make sure the numbers were going down. Once I bumped into a friend who said “congratulations!” And I could only muster a “unfortunately not” slinking away feeling defeated. Counseling and getting out in nature were so helpful. Just as I started to let things go and didn’t feel as sad anymore I got pregnant with my son. The fear was still there that it would not end well, but thankfully, I had a beautiful outcome and sobbed tears of joy when I pulled him out and onto my chest. Whether or not you go on to have another, this will always stay with you and having another does not make the loss easier. I wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself xo
ReplyThank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this piece! I felt like I was reading my own story in your words. I found out about our missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago (at 10 weeks pregnant) and am unfortunately still going through the difficult physical aftermath. I never knew what a lonely process miscarriage was until going through it. Thank you for being brave enough to break the silence and open up this much needed conversation!
ReplySo sorry to hear this. Sending you a hug
Hey joy, I also had a missed miscarriage - but before Levi . Unfortunately how the fetus left my body wasn’t as peaceful as your story .. like you I thought of course I will try to let my body pass it naturally . I passed a ton of tissue for like a week but my body wouldn’t fully expel it . I didn’t see anything that resembled a fetus . I got so weak that I was severely anemic and ended up in the hospital - I was also all alone as Joel was out playing sports . I ended up getting a d and c and a blood transfusion.It was extremely traumatizing physically that honestly the emotional weight of what had happened never fully hit me - but maybe it did as I didn’t try to get pregnant again until 3 years later . I think it triggered IBS for me as my stomach didn’t feel the same for a while after .. so glad I did try again as I have my sweet Levi . I was so affected I told a lot of people as I guess I wanted to be comforted and half the women told me they too had a miscarriage . I wondered why I hadn’t heard about it before . We do need to share these things . Thanks for sharing your story .
ReplyOh wow, so sorry to hear that Mel, sounds very traumatic. Thanks for sharing
Joy, it’s so brave of you to share your story. No one can ever prepare you for the pain that follows the loss of a baby, at any stage of pregnancy. Back in 2009, I was pregnant with my second child. Perfect textbook pregnancy and no issues. On my baby’s due date, I noticed in the afternoon that she hadn’t moved much that day. I tried all the usual tricks, but still nothing. I called my midwife and she met us at the hospital. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and the ultrasound confirmed that sometime that morning the baby had died. I can’t describe the feeling that came over me. I was sent home and asked to return the next morning where labour was induced and I delivered our beautiful 8 pound girl. Perfect in every way except for the tight knot in her umbilical cord. The next day we were sitting in the funeral planning her service and then 3 days later, on my husband’s birthday, we had her funeral. My milk came in during the service. The worst was finding a way to tell our 2 year old son that his sister wouldn’t be coming home. We ended up having another daughter a year later, and have since been able to tell the kids about their sister in heaven, but not a day goes by where I don’t think of our missing child. The pain, emptiness...just nothing I ever felt before. So many people brushed aside our tragedy at the time, coming up with all kinds of things to say to, in their way, offer comfort, like “everything happens for a reason” or, “it could have been worse” or “at least you have your son”, when all we really needed was “I am so sorry this happened. I am here for you”. There are moments still that I break down and cry over what happened. I am so happy to see people like you sharing stories of loss as these help to validate what we go through. You are right that it’s impossible me to really know what loss is like until you go through it. Sending warm hugs your way and from one mama to another, I am holding your hand on this journey.
ReplyYour story made me cry, I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Sounds very painful emotionally. The "everything happens for a reason" is NOT comforting, I actually really hate when people say that too. Again, I'm sorry. Hugs
Thanks for sharing! Big hug to you. I also had an early miscarriage and it wasn’t traumatic but made me very sympathetic to any woman that goes through it. We’re so strong!
ReplyI had my share too with 3 miscarriages. The first one was in 2003, at 12 weeks, I gave birth at the hospital. Since then, I had complications and doctors told me it was going to be hard to give birth in the future. But 4 year later in 2007, I was pregnant again! I gave birth to our fighter girl. 3 years later in 2010, I was pregnant again! But had another miscarriage, but that was at 9 weeks, it was for some reason less tragic then the first one. And then another 4 years later in 2014 I had another miscarriage. Also very early on in my pregnancy. I always wanted to have a big family with at least 3 kids. People often ask why we only have 1 child. Sometimes I just reply with "we are doing Chinese style - only 1 child" or "oh it's better for our planet". But often I reply with "because I can't, I had 3 miscarriages", I feel people need to know. But not every day I feel strong enough to give this answer.
ReplyI really wish people would stop asking this question, but I think honestly is the best policy because maybe it will teach people that some questions are just not appropriate. Thank you for sharing your story
Thank you for your bravery, courage and honesty about something so personal and painful. With much love to your and your family, Julie.
ReplyMy deepest sympathy and condolences to you Joy, your husband and cute Vienna. When I read it I really got teary eyes. I am sensitive person. I do not have personal experience with miscarriage. I have 5 kids...one is my first third daughter (stillborn) didn't make it at 6 months old. I had a breakdown after my midwife told me there is no heartbeat. It broke my heart that my baby died inside of my body. Had to induce. After she was born I couldn't cry because of strong morphine I was injected to lessen my pain labour. Afterwards, she will always be in my heart and it is not very easy for me to accept it. Take care Joy and hugs to you all.
ReplyI'm so sorry to hear this Ruby. Sending you a hug
Sending you and your family the biggest hugs. What a hard decision to make whether to share such a personal story, so thank you for sharing. You are so strong and I love following you because you are so real and down to earth ❤️.
ReplyThanks Kim
I had almost the exact same experience this past May. Missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. For me, this was my first pregnancy (and first miscarrige). I also waited and let my body do it's thing naturally. I passed everything at home. My miscarriage was quite painful, but didn't last too long. The emotional part of it was also painful. Although I felt incredibly guilty, I was careful to not get caught up in the "What if's". They could go on forever with no answer. I have to trust that my body knew something that I didn't, and that is why it didn't allow the fetus to grow. It was heartbreaking, but I too am in a good place about it now. Thank you for sharing and opening up this dialog. ❤
ReplyI'm sorry to hear this but glad you're in a good place about it
Oh Joy. Thank you for sharing. As I have tears streaming down my face, I too am sending you a virtual hug ❤ While I didn't experience a miscarriage, a close friend of mine did. Twice. The first time, being pregnant for the first time she shared her pregnancy with everyone. Then it happened. She lost the baby. She then got pregnant again and chose not to tell anyone in fear of her miscarrying again - which she did. But this time nobody knew about it. She hadn't shared. And she felt alone in her grief. My advice, for anyone who is pregnant - share the joyous news. Hopefully all will go well but if not, the support of friends and family plays such a huge role in your healing. Thanks for sharing Joy. Talking and sharing is so important. We are a tribe and it's so important to be there for each other. Through joy and sorrow. And thank you for reminding us that every day might not be good but there is goodness in every day.
ReplyThanks for your comment Liz. I feel the hug :)
I to have never experienced this and my heart is sad for all the women who have gone through a miscarriage. You are very brave to have told your story and I must say it is a very inspirational story too. It gave me chills and made me sad then I was uplifted and happy at your recovery. Your spouse, your partner, your friends and family do play an important role in any healing process we go through and to shut them out slows the healing dramatically. I am glad you found peace and happiness through it all. I wish you and your family a very happy and “joyous” life. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless
ReplyThank you very much Deanna. Take care :)
I’m crying after reading this because I felt like you were telling my story. I felt so alone. I felt so angry. Doctors and family all repeatedly said it was very common but I felt like they were really saying “It’s no big deal.” It really does make a difference knowing others know the pain you went through.
ReplyI'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad you connected with my story though. Hugs.
I am truly so for your loss but deeply appreciate you sharing your story. I have had 8 miscarriages, each one different but all just as emotionally challenging. We have a beautiful son but I always will think of the others and who they might have been. Thank you so much for your strength. It gives us all strength. Hugs
ReplyI'm sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing :)
I have been there. Sorry. It was painful. Thanks for sharing
ReplyThank you for sharing this. I know it will bring comfort to many women. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You honoured your baby, so gently, so kindly. Thank you.
ReplyI too miscarried 25 years ago. My mother in law was a great support because she understood from experience. Talking about it helped me heal, although when I hear of another going through this it brings me back. Hugs to you♡
ReplyJoy, I’m very sorry for what you have been through. My nephew has been married for three years to a lovely young woman who has Type 1 diabetes. I will never ask them about having a baby.
ReplyThat's really brave of you to share. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'd say the majority of my close girlfriends have gone through this and it is heartbreaking. xoxo.
ReplyIt has been 17 years since my miscarriage. I think of that child often and mourn the loss frequently. It is a loss and unless you have experienced it, it is difficult to comprehend how deep the pain is. You just eventually learn to live with it and it is not at the forefront of your life. Give yourself time to grieve and think of them every once in a while. It does get better. Plant a tree or a special flowering shrub to honor their life. It will help.
ReplyI don't know why I read your post this morning. I'm 63 - my husband died unexpectedly 8 months ago. My husband wanted children, specifically daughters - he came from a family of sons. I didn't want children. I watched my mother go through two fetal deaths one at 8 months of pregnancy, the second at 5 months. After we were married both friends and family had miscarriages - birthing babies in my mind was heartbreak and not for me. However 6 years later we found ourselves expecting - although the pregnancy was fine I ended up with an unexpected C-section (which is another emotional story few share and should). Two more daughters later - neither planned, we thought we were done. We even struggled with should we or shouldn't we as we ended our thirties. Three lovely ladies were enough for us. My story however doesn't end there - at age 43, my husband age 46, we found ourselves pregnant again. Of course we are shocked. No one tells you that peri-menopause is a whole other ball game. What had worked for years no longer worked because my body wasn't behaving as we expected. Kids no matter what age clue in - my middle daughter, age 13 asked me why I was glowing. I never taught her that expression! With daughters age 15, 13 and 11, myself back at university to complete that undergraduate degree finally, my husband beginning to question the right time to retire, neither of us really wanted to return to diapers, breastfeeding and sleepless nights. We contemplated an abortion ( was shocked to learn there are more women in their 40's having abortions than teen girls) however, seeing my child on the ultrasound there was only one answer for us - have the baby. Our daughters were told two weeks before the end of the first trimester - they had guessed anyhow. Life continued. After a day shopping for grade 8 grad dresses I began to spot. This had not happened with my other pregnancies - by that evening I had full on cramps. I never knew what labour pains felt like other than those induced by synthetic chemicals - yet somehow I knew what my body was gearing up to do. I made my husband clean the toilet and like many others who have shared, our fourth daughter's little body is buried in the garden. It was hard not just on me and my husband, but also our 3 teenage daughters. They are now thirty somethings - no grandchildren. Today, I like to believe my husband of 42 years has been reunited with his fourth daughter - we named her Cherith (Cherri). You never forget.
ReplySo heartbreaking, thank you for sharing. Just goes to show it can happen at any age. Hugs
Just wanted to send YOU a great big hug and thank you for sharing your story. I cried a few tears for you and am sure so many women (including myself) are grateful that you have shared such a personal experience. Much love.
ReplyThank you <3
Joy, thanks for sharing.
ReplyThank you for sharing your story.
ReplySending you loads of love wrapped around you and Walker with huge hugs.💖 And yes, life goes on to quote turn Grandma DD.
ReplyThanks Auntie! <3
I went through my 4th loss earlier this year and it took me 8 weeks to fully miscarry. Weeks after I was told our baby didn’t survive, I experienced the same thing as you. I passed the baby and was able to see my own child for the first time in all my miscarriages. It made it so much more real but I also found that I had much better closure this time since I didn’t have to go through a d
ReplyJoy it was so brave of you to tell your story. Your story will help me relate better to women who have gone through such heart break. It's so important to be able to tap into your emotional self and it sounds like you are able to do just that. My heart goes out to your family. I believe this story will help many women. Warm Wishes Darlene
ReplyThanks Darlene, that's really awesome to hear. Thanks for taking the time to read my story :)
Hi Joy, sorry to hear this..I have been through this and all I can say is nothing is lost in this world, just takes different forms and shapes. You guys are so good, I always wish the very best for you and your family. Lots of love and hugs
ReplyThank you :)
Thank you for sharing your story story, Joy! I've never even heard of a missed miscarriage until I read your blog. Unfortunately, a few days later I learned I was having a missed miscarriage. I'm currently going through this now, I went with option 2 today and used medication. It's very painful (taking T3) but I needed the closure. I've been emotionally exhausted going through the process over the last week. Your blog has also really helped my partner and friends understand how emotionally painful it is.
ReplyI'm so sorry to hear this Ruth. Sending you a giant hug <3
I had a miscarriage before the birth of both of my children, now 35 and 31. It took me over a year to get pregnant the first time, and felt so devestated when I lost it. Thoughts were so negative, I would see pregnant girls on the street and feel resentment as to why them and not me. I don't think there is enought help for women going through a miscarriage, sepecially back then.bI t is a loss of a life and feeling of hopelessness came over me as well. Then it happened again. Why me! I do have to say though if those 2 miscarriages were what I had to sacrifice to be blessed with the gift of the 2 most wonderful human beings that I call my pride and joy, then so be it.
ReplyThank you so much for sharing your story!
Thank you 🙏
ReplyThanks so much for sharing your story. It's been a week since I passed my first pregnancy (my husband and I wanted a baby and were excited for our new future). I didn't know how far a long I was because my periods were erratic, but I could feel the passing of the fetus-- I was somewhere around six to eight weeks. I carry a lot of guilt about flushing it since it happened when I was on the toilet. I also started a brand new job when all of this was happening, only missed one day of work. My boss and his wife just brought in their new born and I've had to keep quiet, keep compartmentalizing since it doesn't feel right coming forward about this stuff to my new coworkers. Talk about an isolating few weeks! So thankful for people like you who come forward and share their stories, it helps and it heals. Sending love to you and all who have experienced this ♡
ReplyI'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds like it was a tough time for you and indeed very isolating. I wouldn't feel guilty about anything you did. Hugs
Joy, your sharing made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss. It also broke my heart, because I really want to become a mom, and that joy has not yet found me. With each passing year, the wait becomes more difficult. My prayer for you is for God's complete healing not just in your body but in your heart. God is still the God of hope, for you, for me, and women everywhere. I already believe in prophecy. And hearing how Vienna knew about her baby sister even before you did only goes to show that prophecy is so real. Hugs to you, for your strength in overcoming this and boldness to share your story. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyThanks for sharing Helen. Hugs
I am so sorry that you had to go through this painful experience. We certainly do not talk about this enough. I know that you opening up in this post helped others and hopefully you as well. Wishing you the best!
ReplyThank you!
Thank you so much for sharing this Joy. You are never alone! I've had a similar experience, and I am sure you have so many people reaching out sharing theirs. The key to remember: it's never ever "your fault." This is life, and reproduction is a crazy unpredictable thing. Sometimes things are plainly out of our control. Sending you so much love. xox
ReplyThank you :)
I’m so sorry, sweet and beautiful Joy, that you had to go through this. But I am glad you have your lovely family to walk through it with you. Peace be with you.
ReplyThank you Katie :)
Thank you for sharing so authentically Joy. Women heal in connection. Pregnancy loss is so common yet so seldom talked about. Your share will help others to heal. Wishing you healing and blessings.
ReplyThank you :)
Hi Joy....I'm reading this post some time after you wrote it. Was nervous to read it because I've been through a miscarriage too. I believe that more women need to share their story and less people need to ask "when will the next child be coming". (Although I know they mean well). I love how you honoured her and respected the natural processes of your body even though it was hard as h#ll. I remember the day I found out I had miscarried, it was pouring rain and I felt as heavy as the rain. I was leaving a store when I stepped on a dried leaf that was in the shape of a heart. Immediately I knew it was my baby sending me a message that all was going to be ok. I laminated it and still have it as a beautiful reminder that the baby is my angel. Anyway, I'm so grateful you shared and had so much bravery to do so. You are such an inspiring human being. Sending lots of love, light and bear hugs Reeshma
ReplyI'm sorry to hear you've also been though that also. Hugs and thank you for the love and light :)
Joy, thank you for sharing a very sad but yet beautiful story. Continue to be strong in moving forward. Hugs to you. C B.
ReplyThank you! :)
Dear Joy, Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry that you had to go through such a painful experience twice. You are a strong, courageous and resilient woman. My thoughts are with you and Walker as you both heal. I am presently going through a miscarriage myself and I can understand the emotional pain you are feeling. Your story and the supportive comments are making me feel less alone in this experience. There are times where I feel unworthy and empty. I do my best to let these emotions come and go. We are allowed to feel hurt and we need time to grieve. I wish you health and peace in your recovery. Thank you for helping me get through mine.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now. I'm glad to hear my story makes you feel less alone. I encourage you to share your story with those you feel close with because it definitely helps to process the emotions and having support is everything. Big hugs.
Thank you so much for sharing. I too have suffered multiple miscarriages (3) in a row after having 2 healthy term pregnancies before. I felt so naieve when it happened to me the first time. I was in my second trimester and went in for a routine ultrasound. The ultrasound was taking longer then it should have and I had that sickening feeling that something was wrong. The tech ran out and mumbled the doctor will be in and she came in and told me there was no heartbeat. This scenario played out 2 more times over the next year, each time leaving me more raw then the last. Advice to other women who unfortunately have to go through this too is to allow yourself time to heal, physically and emotionally, to talk openly about it when they want to and seek out professional help if you are struggling to get through the event. Thank you again for sharing such an important topic!
ReplySorry to hear you went through this Jenna and you've shared some really wonderful advice. Especially the part about seeking professional help if you are really struggling with it. Thank you!
Dear Joy, thank you for sharing your story, it helps many women not to feel they are alone. We women go through so many challenges and knowing we are not alone gives us that emotional support to continue our journey. A big warm hug to you.
ReplyThank you for the hug and the comment :)
Sending love and hugs your way. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyThank you so much! :)
Thank you for sharing this Joy, I am reading it for the first time via your New Years e-mail. I am very sorry for your losses. I do have one question however....I am wondering how Vienna reacted? She sensed her sister there... did she also sense her absence? Or did she simply stop talking about it? It is truly remarkable how connected children are... sad that we lose that connection as we get older. Happy New Year! 💗
ReplyThank you :) She just stopped talking about it and that was that.
Hello Joy. I am reading this, belatedly, as I'm at home sick, catching up on my favourite blogs. You have released a touching and personal part of your life to us, and it was brave and obviously helpful to many of your readers. I wanted to also say that I appreciated your words about not asking people about their "children" plans. I have never wanted to have a child (I knew this early on) and love my extended family of nieces and nephews. I still remember one time when someone asked about family, and I said we didn't have any children and weren't planning any. The response? "Oh, you'll change your mind." So, you are correct - for whatever reason, whether health issues, loss or choice - broaching a very personal subject such as having children, and worse, having an opinion about it (!!), can be very upsetting for those of us when others do not know our story. Thank you for bringing it up. I hope you find peace when you walk in those woods.
ReplyThanks for taking the time to read this post. I agree with you, no matter the reason for not having a child, or more children is nobody's business! Hope you feel better soon Carolyn!
Thank you so much for sharing, Joy. I completely agree that we would all benefit from talking about the reality and the heartbreak of miscarriage. I had two miscarriages before I had my two sons and the experience definitely changed me in many ways. I am so grateful that you use your platform in a way that is so beneficial and educational. You are doing terrific work.
ReplyHi Tara, thank you for sharing your story and your comment. I appreciate it. :)
Joy, I follow your work. I nearly cried reading your heartfelt story. I feel you. Sending you positivity and love.
ReplyThanks for taking the time to read Dana :)
I went through the exact same thing. I lost my baby at 8 weeks and 5 days but didn’t find out until week 12. My surgery to remove it was yesterday morning. I’ve got up and down moments but I generally feel too that I don’t want to dwell on things. Big virtual hug back xx
ReplySo sorry to hear you're going through this right now. Big hugs.
Wow. I just listened to your miscarriage podcast and it was so powerful. I cried along with you...my mama heart ached with you as you dove back into the events and the emotions that came along with. Although I personally do not have experience with this, I struggled with infertility for years and anxiety once I became pregnant. I had some bleeding due to hematoma early on and miscarriage was on my mind for the greater portion of my first pregnancy. I always wondered how it happens and what it might be like. Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and detail. I found it to be really empowering. Perhaps I will never experience this myself but I now have more understanding to better empathize and show up for others in my life who do experience this unfortunate event. Also, kudos to Walker for sharing in his own words. So important to hear the other side of the story too. Glad you were able to openly talk this through and support one another on this healing journey. Your partnership is truly inspirational!
ReplyThanks for your comment Jen. I'm also really happy to hear that it was empowering and will help you better understand other women going through it - empathy is so powerful. It's funny because it's been several months since I had a comment on this post and I was actually just thinking about it the other day and feeling really sad about it. I have talked to other women with grown children who had miscarriages 20-30 years earlier and it just never leaves you. I know that sweet soul is up in heaven or she's found another family - I just feel it :)
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through Joy. I am going through a miscarriage right now and it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced.
ReplyBig hugs Natalie, that is so tough. I know people tell you time heals, but it really does. Sending so much love your way. He/she is your guardian angel now xox
I feel so bad for you Joy that you had to experience the first couple weeks of pregnancy without the support of your spouse! You really screwed up Walker. If you’re not your wife’s rock during the biggest changes in life then who is? You can feel all the feelings, but the first reaction should be full support for your wife who had a baby growing inside her. My wife and I just experienced a miscarriage and it has brought us closer than ever because from day one, we supported each other and felt all the feelings together, not alone. To be honest, you’re very lucky Joy stayed with you after such a lack of support during early pregnancy.
ReplyHi Evan, I'm very sorry you and your wife went through the same thing, it's really tough. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Big hugs to you both.
I assume you listened to our podcast and that's why you made the comment about Walker's reaction when we found out we were pregnant. I'm pointing that out since I didn't talk about it in this post as it felt insignificant to me when I wrote this - it was more about my feelings around miscarriage.
I have a very different perspective on my experience and I wouldn't pack up and leave Walker simply because his reaction wasn't what I had expected or wanted - he is human after all.
Was I disappointed he wasn't jumping for joy when we were pregnant again? Yes. However, it is extremely common for a spouse not to be over the moon with joy about a baby if that wasn't in the plan - I'm okay with that. I would rather him be honest with his feelings rather than bury them deep down and be resentful for not sharing them. I'm glad he can feel the security to share feelings with me that are uncomfortable. Communication is key. If we can't be truly honest with the person closest to us, then who can we be honest with? I hope that sheds some light on my perspective. Take care :)